What's going through my mind

Here I am at 36 1/2 weeks. Belly is for sure lower. I think it got tired and just decided to drop! :) As you can see, the face swelling is setting in. I hate that, but oh well, that was what we wanted, right?!

We are scheduled to have a baby in LESS THAN A WEEK!!! So, Lord Willing, this time next week I'll be in the hospital holding our new baby. It goes without saying that this pregnancy and hopefully the birth have been and will be a totally different experience from my first pregnancy. I have so many things running through my mind as we get closer and closer to the birth. This could get long, so feel free to skip it. Here is a little peek into my racing mind:

• I can't remember what it feels like to NOT be feeling a baby kicking and moving around in my belly. I think I'll miss it.


• I don't even like thinking about the C-section. I'm scared to death. It seems silly, even to me considering what I went through when the twins were born. That was nothing short of terrifying and horrible physically and emotionally, but it was one of those times where the craziness of it all makes you push through it. This (hopefully) will be boring and that means I'll have lots of time to think about what they are about to do/doing. Scary. Kinda ready for that part to be over.


• I still don't feel miserable and I'm sleeping pretty good (other than the million potty breaks)


• My crocs have saved my life. Kory bought them for me when I was carrying the twins. My back had started hurting and since I was teaching and on my feet all day, he thought they would feel good. Didn't get to wear them long. This time I wish I would've thought about them sooner. They would've been really helpful while we were in Dallas in the hospital. Our house almost all hard floors, so I wear them in the house and they have SAVED my back.


• I don't know what I'll do if this baby cries. Kanyon NEVER cried. yikes.


• I feel like a first time mom in LOTS of ways. I feel like I've never done this before because of how different things were with Kanyon.


• I love bassinets and can't wait for our baby to be sleeping in one.


• I am exciting about having something to swaddle!


• I'm not expecting this transition to be too rough for Kanyon. I'm thinking his cluelessness will work in our favor and he'll just bee bop along.


• What if I'm wrong??!!


• I have conflicting emotions about taking the baby before I go into labor. On the one hand, 38 weeks is a DREAM!!! AWESOME!! On the other hand, there is something in me that wants to carry it like 42 just to make sure its ready. My delivery with Kanyon puts me at high risk for rupture, so I have no choice but to take it at 38 weeks but its just kinda a funny feeling.


• I moved all of Kanyon's stuff to his new room (he will keep sleeping in the nursery until all our company is gone since his room is also our guest room.) It was kinda sad, but I didn't have much time to think. Since I've waited so long, I just have to get it done!


• I still feel like its a boy. So much that when I think about it being a girl, I feel like I'm pretending.


• I only imagine a dark headed baby. I was the same way with the twins, but you'd think I would at least acknowledge the fact that It COULD be blond since Kanyon is, but for some reason, I still picture a dark headed baby.


• A blond girl would be the surprise of the century!!


• I could care less what color hair it is or if its a boy or girl...just gimme a big ol' screamin' baby!


• I am disappointed about one aspect of the delivery. I just realized that I won't get to see every one's reaction when its born and they find out what it is. I'm guessing Kory will walk out and tell them...I'll be on the table. I'm contemplating making everyone wait so I can see the reaction. That is half the fun....letting everyone else find out too! I don't want to miss it!


• How long will it take us to name him if its a boy?


• How is it that so many part of your body are affected with pregnancy. Like what do leg cramps have to do with having a baby. Or freckles on my tummy. Or loosing my brain. I don't get it.


• I realized the other day that I will be feeding SOMEONE at least every 2 hours. If not every hour. Kanyon eats every 2 hours for 30 min. when he's awake. A nursing new born eats....well a lot, so chances are at any given time in the day I'll be feeding a child.


• How will I not lift Kanyon for 6 weeks.


• Boy or girl, the baby will be named after someone on my side of the family.


• Most people think its a girl.


• When I bring the bouncy seat down from the attic, I'm curious to see what klp does. Will he be so happy or will he be "sooooooo over it"??


• Do I even need to say that I hope this baby is a good eater.


• Why am I blogging when I have so much to do?


• I am washing some of klp's newborn clothes and his preemie clothes are in the same box. They are ALL tiny.


• I bought some newborn Pampers swaddlers to have ready. I forgot how good they smell. And sheesh, those things are tiny too!


• All of Kanyon's clothes have stains from his medicine he was on when he came home.


• Will this baby end up with Kanyon's laid back personality?? Kanyon is SOOOO good at entertaining himself and playing and going with the flow. I have come to really depend and appreciate that AND be really spoiled by it. I'm really hoping this one will be the same way.


• I'm starting to get really excited about the relationship Kanyon and baby will have with each other. Siblings are about the best thing in the world and that has been one of the things that has been so painful about losing Jayde. Kanyon lost his twin sister. The one that was supposed to be with him all the time. Not that this baby will replace that, but I'm excited for Kanyon to finally get to experience life outside the womb with a sibling.


• Will they ever sleep at the same time?


• I'm determined to not focus on sleep. I think that is when it stressed/stresses me out. If I don't dwell on it and count hours I'm getting or not getting, I don't seem to be as bothered by it. But when I think about it, its worse. I've been tired before, it will be OK.


• Remind me I said that in about 2-3 weeks.


• What will Santa bring baby?


• I think having a difficult experience, loosing a newborn, or having a sick one gives you a little different perspective from that point on. Not that all people aren't thankful for their healthy pregnancies and newborns, but I think those of us who have experienced the worst have a certain emotion of thankfulness that could only come from knowing the alternatives to a healthy one. With that being said, we are so very thankful to have reached the "full term" mark this week. While prematurity is no longer a worry for us, we know too well that a lot of things can still happen. Not that we have a lack of trust in GOD or don't believe that he is totally capable of blessing us with a healthy baby, but we know a lot can happen and we will pray and continue to pray for a perfectly healthy baby. I don't think any of us ever STOP praying for our children to be healthy.


• On that note, its easy to think "Surely things will go good for us, look at what we've been through. We've already paid our dues. We HAVE to have it easy this time." That kinda makes sense, but we know that life doesn't always work out that way. I don't want to sound negative, but these are just reality thoughts.


• We are FULLY looking forward to the joy of a healthy delivery and a healthy baby and we are thankful for all the prayers that our friends and family have offered up for us to get us this far and know that they will continue to pray for us as we count down the days!


• I'll probably get wheeled out in a wheelchair to leave the hospital, huh? Never did that last time.


• I'll be in a different hospital, so it really will be TOTALLY different. I'm kinda sad because I would probably know all the nurses if we were at Good Shepherd again. Oh well. I'll meet new nurses.


• Am I gonna get ridiculously engorged again? I really really really really really really really really hope not.


• I just realized today that I have no sort of baby book. Wonder if I need one? Never did get klp and jsp's done. That was on my list of things to do before this baby was born. Never did.
• Even though this baby won't have preemie lungs or an immature immune system I think I'll still be paranoid of germs. Seriously, me the person who for the last 2 years has had to watche every single surface and be aware of every germ and not take my baby out for 2 winters, is having a baby in DECEMBER!!!!!! So, I'll probably be nervous about snotty noses and germs because even healthy newborns don't need to get sick!


• I can't wait to feel what it feels like to hear my baby cry when its born and immediately hold it!!!

I could go on and on. I've done this post throughout the day as I thought of things. I'd better post it and end it or I'll just keep thinking of things.