Thursday, February 24, 2011

Right Now....Quinn Edition

I'm not expecting Quinn's update to be as long as Kanyon's, but who knows. Once I get started I might not be able to stop!

Quinn is a almost 15 months old and a little chatter box. Granted, most of his chatter is jibberish but its pretty cute. His most commonly used phrase is "dig-o dig-o" Say that really fast and that is what he sounds like. Not sure what it means, but it comes out of his mouth a whole bunch. He can say "baa" for ball. That was his first word, I think. He can also say things like "light" and he sounds JUST LIKE KANYON!! He has a few other Kanyonisms that he says and its funny to hear his little voice sound just like Kanyon. He will usually attempt saying any word we try and over the weekend learned to roar like a lion and really loves to roar now! He makes a barking sound when he sees a dog and really pretty much any other animal. He has a very keen eye for animals....real life or pictures. He gets so excited. We may have a little Jack Hannah on our hands!

He can eat the house down. If he likes the food. He's sort of a picky eater and I've had to just keep giving him foods I want him to eat over and over and over until he will eat them without spitting them out. He's finally decided to like some of them, but is quick to spit out just about any new food. BUT if you give him something he likes, watch out!! I usually just have to stop feeding him because I can't imagine how any more food could fit in his belly. He loves any fruit. Particularly blueberries. There is no telling how many blueberries he could eat. We still have to coat some things in flax to try to convince him to eat them, but we aren't using it as much as we were. If he sees food he PANICS like he hasn't eaten in months. I think its obvious that we feed him.

His temperament contradicts itself. He is so smiley and happy and giggly unless he's not. And he's NOT. He likes mama and daddy and prefers to be on their hip. I tease that I MAKE him cry. He'll be fine until he sees me and then he starts crying. I just have that affect on him. If other people are around its better if I just completely leave his sight and he'll be fine. I guess that means he's better without me! :) If I'm not holding him, chances are he's at my feet "begging" to be picked up. That means grabbing on to my legs and grunting, or whining. So, I have a leach on my leg trying to keep me from moving. I joke that its kinda like swimming in the pond at home. If you are too still, the fish will bite you, but if you just keep moving you'll be fine. If I stand still too long, Q will "bite" aka cling to my legs for dear life. So I just have to keep moving!!! If he is told no, put down, or not allowed to play with something he wants (i.e. cell phones, Kanyon's glasses,Kanyon's sippy cup that he's always been obsessed with) he is UPSET. He cries SO SO LOUD and he has recently started throwing for real fits. Arching the back, grunting, screaming AT me, you know....fits. Yuck. He is in to EVERYTHING and can not be left alone! He's having to learn what is OK to touch and what is not. I'm sure if he could talk he would say there are WAAAY more things that he can't touch than things that he can!! He has no boundaries....and he thinks no one around him does either. If he sees something he wants to play with he just tries to grab it. He's having to learn the hard way that you can't just take stuff away from people. He can be a bull dozer if something is between him and whatever he wants. I'm sure this determination will be an asset someday, but for now its just a constant annoyance to his big brother....and to his mom who has to teach him that this is NOT OK!! :) We are definitely in an important and demanding time for teaching him.

Quinn has a very good relationship with his crib. He is happy to go in it, sleeps good, and wakes up happy. I love love love love this about him and it makes my life so much easier. Especially when I hear him in the morning, I can have a few minutes to wake up myself or get ready to start the day without him screaming his head off first thing. He is finally sleeping later, usually til about 8, and I am SOOOOO glad! He still likes to go to bed around 8:30. He needs 2 naps, but our crazy schedule doesn't always allow it. Sometimes he takes a big 3 hour nap in the morning so he won't always take another one. Not sure when he'll transition out of the 2 nap thing, but I he's still needing both so far. He has always been a crazy sleeper, all over the place and in crazy positions. Anytime he's starting to be sleepy and go to sleep, he kicks one leg. He has done this since we brought him home from the hospital! Even if you're holding him and he starts to get sleepy, the leg will start kicking. A funny little Q thing!

He is a speed crawler and cruiser and i can hear him panting all over the house. I guess when he takes off crawling he gets excited because he just pants the whole time. It sounds like a little puppy in my house. Its pretty much music to my ears! Not walking yet and I don't feel like he's very close. We are pretty sure that the main reason for not walking is because that would mean he would have to let go of us to walk! haha. Just last night Kory got him to stand up without holding on. He got a kick out of us cheering for him, so he did it a few more times today!

Since turning his car seat around, he talks non stop in the car. He and klp are usually "talking" back and forth copying each other or laughing at each other. q thinks its so funny when klp shakes his head back and forth. He laughs which makes Kanyon laugh and keep shaking his head. Who needs a radio when two bros are laughing in the backseat!??

Quinn's favorite thing to play with is a ball. Any ball. He loves to throw them and hold them and say "baa" over and over. He has at least one in his hand all day long.

He's had constant ear infections since November, so we're getting tubes Monday. Because of all the infections, medicine is one of his favorite things. He cries wanting more. He'll be sorely disappointed after he gets his tubes and isn't on antibiotics all the time! :)

I am happy to report that he can now handle someone sneezing or coughing! For the first year of his life, he would FREAK OUT if someone sneezed or coughed. Ironically enough, now he dies laughing.

He is most commonly called Cheeky Bull. We have called him that since he was tiny. Not sure how that got started.....we'd just seen the movie Austrailia (they use that term in that movie) and Q had big cheeks, so I guess that was it. He is called lots of forms of Quinn and unfortunately I call him Quinny a lot. I don't like it, but it just comes out. Kanyon calls him Bubba.

Its beyond my comprehension how strongly I can love my boys. Quinn is a joy and a treat to be with and I'll gladly carry him on my hip until he figures out I'm not really all that great! :) Being his mom has done nothing but make my life more full of every good thing.

Which reminds me of miracles. I have some thoughts on miracles and you can read them if you'd like. Kanyon has always been the "miracle" of the family. Rightfully so. I don't deny that at all. But since the day I had Quinn, the word miracle has come to my mind millions of times. Watching Quinn move seamlessly from one little milestone to the next has been miraculous to me. It blows my mind how intricately we were created so that each step leads to the next and our bodies and minds just know what to do. From the first miracles like his first cry and the first time he nursed, its been incredible to witness him grow and develop without me having to teach him what to do. Child development has always been fascinating to me and was my favorite part of my job as a teacher. So, to watch MY children develop, each in their own ways, has been the greatest thrill. So, "lucky" me. I have 2 miracles!! :) This whole world of motherhood is full of miracles. Praise GOD!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Quinn's First Haircut

In case you didn't notice (haha) Q has been in SERIOUS need of a haircut. His Daddy was ready for the haircut back in November, but I felt like he needed to be 1 first. Not sure why. But eventually even I realized it was time for the earmuffs, bangs, mullet, all other scraggly hairs to go. In keeping with tradition, we had to stick with Butch the Barber in Paris. He cut both of my brothers' hair, Kanyon, and Nolan's, so we had to have him give Quinn his first haircut.

Here he is waiting his turn, enjoying the last few minutes with his long locks

aaaaaaaaand this is what he did the SECOND I sat down.

and he never stopped. He ate blueberries and that might stop the screaming for a second or two, but he just screamed and screamed and screamed. BUT the hair was trimmed to a nice clean cut, big boy look.

We stayed in Paris a few more days to enjoy lots of fun times with the cousins. Here is little Mallory wearing one of my bonnets from when I was a baby.

She did a number on one of her outfits, so she had to wear one of my old sweatshirts until her clothes were clean. Is she not the CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD!??!!

Everyone stayed out at my parents' house the whole time because the weather was snowy and icy and we didn't want to risk not getting to be together. The boys went to work, but all us girls and the kids had a blast together during the day then the adults stayed up way too late at night. Uncle Clint gave Nolan and Kan a ride on his knees....

We bundled up klp in one of the boys' old ski suits

and he headed out with uncle Clint to bring in the firewood.

Ro doing what she does best "shooing" Quinn. That's what she calls it when she rubs their heads. She is so funny. She can't help but touch a baby's head or kiss it. Q loves the attention from the cousins!

After gathering firewood klp helped Gay Gay cook supper. Sheesh we are working that boy hard! Firewood and Cooking!

Nolan, Roselyn, and Kanyon decorated cookies one day. Well........ klp played with sprinkles. He emptied the whole sprinkle jar on one cookie. Nice.

aaaand this is what happens when you have lots of girl cousins. You run out of clean PJ's and THIS IS WHAT YOU END UP IN!!

Nolan and klp enjoying each others' company but doing their own thing. I really love this picture. These two have really been bonding the last few times we've been in Paris. They better because they're seriously outnumbered with all these girls!

This last picture describes Quinn to a T. He has a ball in his hand every single waking minute....and as you can see, sometimes 2!! He says "baa" for "ball" at least 6,000 times a day. He loves to throw them (though it took him a while to decide to throw a ball because he didn't want to let go of it)! Last weekend we watched one of our friends coach a bball game and the Chic Fil A cow was there handing out these red basketballs (the one Q is about to throw) and when I saw it I was soooo hoping he would give us one. It was the good rubbery kind (not the Nerf kind because Q eats those) and I knew Q would LOVE it..and Kanyon too. I felt like a 6 year old getting all anxious about making sure we got one. I didn't have to beg or attack anyone to get a ball. The kind cow just handed us one!! haha This picture also gives you a look at the "after" haircut look! :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Picture Post

I haven't been keeping up very well with the is a little snapshot of our little world.

Seriously, the boy can do anything and everything with that cup in his mouth. His orthodontist uncle says we're gonna have to put a stop to that. yikes.

ahhh there's that handsome face not hiding behind that ol' cup!

We partied with Drayton on his first birthday.

Some things never change: klp still digs Jeopardy. His love may not be as intense as it used to be, but he still likes it!

He also really loves the Elmo movie he got for Christmas last year. He has to sit close to see the TV, so I pulled up the chair. Sitting on the floor and looking up seems uncomfortable to me. (I have to put the ottoman behind the chair because klp is a rocker and q is a climber and that = tipping over the chair.)

Quinn is kinda in the phase where he ruins lots of things. He wanted to sit with klp, but he pretty much just climbed all over and annoyed his big brother.

if Kleenex are near, q will find them and take them out. All of them.

Dump truck for 2. 1 freaking out, 1 saying "Then GET OFF!!!"


I was trying to pack one morning while Kanyon was at school. We needed to leave town as soon as I picked klp up from school, so I was in a hurry. Q was quietly playing so I was getting lots done. Then the quietness got too quiet......He found his half eaten yogurt on the table as well as a spoon.....and he went to town.

as bad as he wants to use a spoon, he still thinks his hands are better.

This is how desperate I was: I put him in his high chair and let him continue to destroy himself, and everything around him with the yogurt. I had to get packed. And I did. Then I had to try to clean him up!! I was a little sad about the chair. That material doesn't clean well, so there are still remnants of the yogurt. Then I realized I'll probably have to recover those chairs tend to ruin things! :)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Right now....Kanyon edition

I may be creating a monster here by doing a post like this because I tend to go on and on. BUT I thought it had been a while since I (for my own documenting/remembering their childhood and to keep our loved ones in the loop with what is going on with our boys) have given a full blown update!

Kanyon, our almost 4 year old, is progressing in lots of areas. We are so very very proud of him. Sometimes when I really stop and think about it, it is amazing what this boy can do considering all of the things he has to deal with.

One of the biggest things we've really seen improvement in lately is his left hand. His CP plays out with high muscle tone (that means his muscles are extra tight) on his left side and particularly in his left arm. It is pretty much in a fist all the time, but we see him try and open it more and more. He can get it partially open and though its twisted sort of backwards, he is really trying to use it. We even see him using his right hand to try and open it! For the first time in his life, he was able to get a cheeto (of course it was a cheeto) in his left hand and hold it while he ate with his right hand. This was HUGE. It took a lot of work and I haven't seen him do it again since then, but we are thrilled that he is trying to use it. We weren't sure what would come of that little left arm because it was a possibility that he would forget it was there and ignore it completely. That is not the case!! He for sure knows its there and with a little more success each time, we're hoping he'll use it more and more.

He has had a walker for several months, but is making GREAT improvements and we are using it more and more. We started taking it to church a few months ago because its a big open place with lots of long hallways. It was the best way for us to get good home as soon as he gets going, he runs into something or has to turn around. We used to have to bend down and hold his left hand on the handle as well as hold on to the walker to keep it straight. BUT now, we just have to be near to give a little tap to help with steering or sometimes we have to slow him down!! We are very excited about this progress. It is so great to see him upright and moving!! A little more work with steering and speed control and he'll be independent and cruisin' on his walker!

All of his therapy continues to go well. PT works on standing up without holding on to anything (which so far he has a record of standing for 4 seconds) as well as shifting his weight and bending down and standing back up. We are still loving Hippotherapy (horses) and he is looking like such a big boy on Kandy, his horse. He sits up so straight and tall and LOVES to trot!! He laughs so hard he can barely breathe! They are starting to use some new positions on the horse to keep the left side of his trunk/back stretched out and loose. Because of his scooting and other hemiplegic tendencies, his left side can really tighten up and further affect his symmetry. Our PT is working diligently with that and we are thinking about starting some other treatments to help with this as well. He still sees OT and Vision impairment at school (as well as another PT) and those are going well. They reinforce a lot of what PT does as well as work on developmental tasks and concentrated work with his left hand. The boys is always working, but the boys is always getting better and better!! I would give anything ANYTHING for things to come easily to Kanyon, but they don't so we are doing everything we can to help him do anything he wants to!

I'm so glad I don't have to do a "feeding therapy" update right now. He eats. Food. As in the same food we eat. When we eat it. Its awesome. He has his favorites (and Cheetos remain at the top of that list) and not favorites and still has to muster up courage to taste something new, but we'll take it!! I make smoothies for him every morning because he won't eat much at all in the mornings, so he drinks the smoothie and gets lots of full fat yogurt, fruit, spinach, flax, and juice!!! MMMMMmmmmmm!

A new favorite thing of mine is his interest in reading books!! FINALLY!!!! He has NEVER EVER EVER cared about a book and we used to celebrate when we got through 2 pages (of a tiny board book). But, for whatever reason, he's become interested. He now says, "Reeeeeee" or "booooo" and we sit and read a book! Usually more than once. And not just a little board book with 2 words per page, a real book! You can imagine my joy, being a former primary school teacher and lover of children's books. I have quite a stash and hand selected a bunch out of my stash in the attic and put them in his room when we were putting his nursery together. I didn't expect to have to wait almost 4 years to use them, but we're using them now. A current favorite is a Curious George book from Aunt Nancye his 2nd Christmas. He also loves his Daddy's sports illustrated magazine and loves finding the basketballs (or soccer, or football, or whatever sport) on each page. He's currently loving a double page picture of the OKC Thunder starters. he has torn it out of the magazine and looks at that same page all the time! haha!

He's also taken a small interest in TV/Movies. He asks for movies all the time "MooMoo" but usually only watches about 3 minutes and then moves on. Lately its been more like 10-15! :) It sounds silly to get excited about that, but its just fun to see him having fun and enjoying something like TV.

He still loves to swing outside and asks for it at least a billion times a day "vweeee" He loves his remote control car that Santa brought, as well as Quinn's that he got for his birthday. He enjoys writing "wiiieeee" so he has had lots of fun with Christmas toys he got like color wonders and aquadoodle. He still loves lights, cars, and playing with the TV remotes. He and Quinn like to stand up on the armoire right in front of the TV (yeah yeah...really good for their eyes I'm sure) and watch it. One day klp was cracking us up trying to watch a basketball game on TV. He was trying to follow the ball and when it would go behind him where he couldn't see it, he would turn around to try to find it, but he was turning ALL THE WAY around past the TV and therefore not finding the ball! :) He can still spot a basketball goal a mile away and says "babaaa". If you say, "What do you say when you slam it?" He gives an emphatic "BOOOOM!!!" He loves throwing balls and will hold out both arms (refer to above paragraph about improvement with using his left arm!) and catch it. He laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. He is a good prayer (as in, he bows his head and folds his hands and is quiet) and squeals with excitement when he hears AMEN! Not sure why he's so excited the prayer is over! :) He has also picked up on the fact that at the table you can old hands when you pray. We didn't teach him that, but one night we went to pray and he put his arm out for me to hold. My heart melted all over the place! :) He would live in the bathtub if we'd let him. He loves playing with the water as it comes out of the spout. Q kinda cramps his style in the bathtub so we usually let him have a chance to have part of the bath by himself. He loves to lay in the water and blow bubbles. I seriously hope this boy can learn to swim. I just think it would be a disservice to him as much as he loves water for him NOT to learn to swim....we'll see. He loves sharing goldfish with Quinn in the car and hates it when Quinn stands up by the TV when he's not there. I still can't figure out why that stresses him out so bad, but it does! He has a good memory and remembers things we've told him or things he's done. He still points to the holes in our yard where Ollie lays and says "Ah Ah" and "Night Night" because A LOOOOOONG time ago I told him that is where Ollie slept. I was sitting on the couch by him the other day and he was eating Goldfish. He put one up on the armrest and it slid down and he said "liiieee" aka "slide" haha!! We're pretty sure he recognizes the route home because as soon as we turn off the main road he asks to drive. When we tell him he has to wait until we get to our street, he asks again the SECOND we turn on to our street! He likes to help me watch stop lights and when I tell him its green, he yells "GO!!!!". He loves ketchup and has become quite good at dipping with minimal mess. He loves this photo book I made him. Its nothing but pictures that I just had printed into a little spiral 5X7 book. He LOVES it and will look at it forever. He sees the picture of him with his cheetos and points to the cheetos and says "lmmm" It looks like he's sticking his tounge out but then he says "mmm".....its his "word" for eat.

Speaking of words, his language continues to grow. He can now communicate his point much better and is learning more and more words. Its a slow process, but we love when we hear him say something we haven't heard before. He has "phrases" that he says like, "I owwww _____" fill in the blank with "go" or "lmmmm" (aka to eat), "light", "vwweeee" (aka swing) if he says swing he usually follows with "ieee"(aka high...he wants to go high!). So, he's saying "I want _____" Not sure how he picked up that phrase, but he uses it often and appropriately. Otherwise his talking is one word, but it seems like he's starting to try to string more words togethe. I can usually piece it together and when we're talking to other people, he's requiring less interpretation from me! :) A minor (and kinda funny) setback is that since he got his glasses, he gets his eyes and ears mixed up!! :) Not sure what happened, but we're working on it. Haha! His talking is exciting and so important to his development. Its fun when people hear him that haven't been around him in a long time because they're so proud of him talking. He's a constant jabber of jibberish cuteness. It is the cutest sound ever and so fun to hear him having this massively long conversation and all i can say is "yeah!...Cool!!...I KNOW!!" He remembers things, people, places, and how they are all connected. He picked up a tutu at my parents house and said, "Ro!" Because Roselyn (aka Ro) had been wearing it earlier that day. Connections like that are happening all the time. I think they've been happening for a long time, but I'm so thrilled that he can communicate it to us now. His Speech Therapist from school made an interesting comment to me one time. I've always thought that Language was a weakness for Kanyon since he couldn't talk. I'd never said that outloud or even really dwelled on it. I just thought that's how things were and that was fine. Without knowing that I thought that, she said something that totally blew me away. She said, "Language is not a weakness for Kanyon. Language is his strength. He understands SO MUCH. and THAT is language." SO TRUE!! He always has understood so much more than he could say. That is receptive language. Expressive language (what you can speak) is only half of language. So she was TOTALLY right!!

The fact that he is delayed in his physical development as well as expressive language makes for an interesting situation. I've said it before, but when those 2 things are difficult, its difficult to really measure how much a kid knows. We just kind of have to watch and wait and then he'll bust out with something we have no idea how he knew it (or how long he's known it). The last few months I've become very confident in his cognition. I just KNOW that he knows things. He just can't do them or get them out of his mouth. I have no doubt that he is smart and believe that if there was a magic way to peek into his brain we would see one that he knows everything his other 3 year old friends know. BUT the realities complicate things a little bit, but that is ok.

I can't imagine overcoming what he does every day. For one, have you ever tried to scoot yourself just a few feet across the floor?? Its HARD! and that boy can keep up with the best of us . The smallest tasks are so difficult and as his mom, that is the hard thing for me. Watching him have to work so hard for things that shouldn't require work. He has one side of his body that is significantly weaker, tighter, and almost non functioning. Not to mention the brain and that side of his body don't communicate very well or very quickly. He does everything with basically one arm. ONE ARM. Try it for 30 minutes. Try simply eating with one hand. Its impossible to chase down slippery food on your plate without the other hand to help you. The very limited use of his left hand is impossibly frustrating and affects every single thing you do. There is a breakdown of communication when it comes to his brain telling his body what to do. I hate that he has to deal with that. I don't say all of this to dwell on the bad. I say it to shout from the rooftops what this boy deals with every single minute of every single day. And not just deals with, but THRIVES with!! I am so so proud of him and can't wait to see how he blows our minds for the rest of his life.

The last few months seem to have catapulted us into big boy land. We really feel like he's a big boy. I'm not sure if it was something he did or just us recognizing it. He continues to have a magnetic personality that no doubt will be his trademark his whole life. He has the most infectious, contagious laugh on the plane and no one can bring that laugh out like his Daddy. He cracks us up and breaks me down (toddler stage has been ROUGH.....enter: physical, verbal frustration mixed with a toddler temper). We feel like he is making progress when it comes to how he handles frustration, not getting his way, or hearing the word "NO". Its been an intense year and a half with his behavior. Very. Very Very. There are days when we feel like we're making progress and then days where we feel like we are in the same place we were a year and a half ago. Unfortunately, this phase, like most of the others for him, last a LOOOOOOONG time and we are by no means out of it. It consumes my thoughts because I want to so bad to teach him well, but I have no idea what I'm doing! Its so hard and is requiring more of me than I feel like I have. But its not the first time this boy has stretched me, so I figure I'll make it. :)

I really could go on and on and on. Since people other than myself are reading this I want to make sure I communicate something. When I mention things that are hard for Kanyon, things he can't do, and especially things about our situation that are frustrating or difficult, I DO NOT want to sound like I'm being negative or bitter. The realities of Kanyon's prematurity is just that to me....reality. Sure I wish none of it would've never happened and I had BOTH of my healthy twins, but we are where we are. We are not bitter, negative, or sad. Sure we have moments of these emotions (among others) but the bottom line is we KNOW we are so very blessed. We know that Kanyon has countless abilities that not everyone else has and we KNOW that we have so so so much to be thankful for. I know that there are tons of families that deal with SO MUCH MORE difficulties that we do and I don't want to sound like "woe is me". Do you get that?!! PLEASE get that. Please also get that I'm not trying to make this out like its all perfect and we handle this perfectly. I struggle with a lot of things and I mess up A LOT. I could blog about all of the tough parts of all of this and the things that are really hard for me, but that's not what this is about. We love Kanyon Luke just the way he is and I can't imagine him any other way! :) So, I absolutely CELEBRATE everything that Kanyon can do and everything that he does for me!!!!

*I'm also not going to really go back edit this carefully. It took me almost a month to get it done and not Quinn is awake and I don't have time to sit and edit. So, grammar/spelling peeps, I'M SORRY.*

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Quinn is....

Quinn is....

a food thief!! Luckily, his klp doesn't mind sharing.

a crazy sleeper! I went to check on him during a nap and found a sweet little foot sticking out. I put it back in and he never woke.

a puffy eyed boy when he wakes up! Not to mention the fact that he looks like he's dressed up in some sort of robe. What a cute sight to greet me in the morning!

still in love with his thumb/blanket combo. I can't get enough and neither can he, so it works for both of us.

in SERIOUS need of a haircut!

(check out the curl/mullet)

obsessed with remote controls! I think this should be an official developmental milestone for kids. They all seem to discover them and LOVE them and in most cases, never want to give them ever in their whole lives.

(funny side note: Q was actually trying to hide behind the remote in this picture. he would put it over his face and then drop it and say "BOO!")


Last Thursday night, Kory had a bball game at 6:45, so we all loaded up and went to watch him (I use the term "watch" loosely). Maybe I should say we all WENT to the game.

Caden was there too and this is what they did when we first got there and they saw each other!

klp spent some time up on the top bleacher cheering...

and scooting

My 2 watching the game. Quinn gets the prize for the night...he stayed in the stroller the WHOLE GAME! He was so happy clapping and watching. I was very very surprised, he usually doesn't sit in his stroller very well. I guess the game kept him occupied.

Caden and Kanyon watching closely

Kory and Adam with their fans! It was a fun game. Usually when I go to a game, Kory and I talk about it a lot in the car on the way home. Well, I couldn't contribute all that much to the conversation this time. I was definitely not focused on the game like usual! :)